October 1st

Each day of every year is marked by a date; a marker in time giving validation to the significance of life. Some dates are ordinary, lacking importance while others seem to mean everything. We plan life around these illuminated pieces of time:  catastrophes, holidays, achievements, the beginning and ending of a life and the establishment of families.  As we arrive back at these same dates each year, it’s impossible not to reflect on why specific days carry value, the reason for the value…the person that we value. 

Today is October 1st, my Grandma’s birthday.  Every year this day comes around and I can’t help but think about her.  Today, I’m thinking about her.  In years past, recognizing the date as being October 1st, maybe produced an inner moment of silence, but today it’s much much more.  Today I’m mourning.  I’m drowning in my own tears as if she died today.  I wish desperately that I could say that I miss her because we were inseparable and shared precious secrets while holding hands through life.  Although we did hold hands, I wasn’t terribly close to my Grandma.  She was sort of the wallpaper of my life.  She was a quiet woman and I didn’t draw her out. I was intimidated by her age and as I grew older, but not wiser, I struggled to connect.  I knew facts about her but I didn’t really know her heart.  One huge piece that I was always sure of was how much she loved me. 

I felt her love, all the time.  I felt it even that one Christmas, somewhere in the 80’s, when she gave me Roger Rabbit panties and completely embarrassed me.  Today…I wish I could do it all over again.  I’d do it all differently.  I’d do it better.  I’d love bigger and I’d go all in!  But, truth be told, regret might be one of life’s best teachers.  Yes, I have regrets, A LOT, but I’m so thankful to truly understand the importance of investing in people I love before my opportunity has passed.  Is it easy?? No.  But, it’s soooo worth it!

October 1st has made a mark on my heart and today I honor my Grandma.  Happy 100th birthday, Grandma!  I still love you.