“You plead my cause
You right my wrongs
You break my chains
You gave Your life
To give me mine
You say that I am free
How can it be
How can it be”
-Lauren Daigle, “How Can It Be”
As I sit in front of my house on this darkish misty morning, I can hear the chorus playing over and over in my mind like my own personal broken record. Normally, not being able to get a song out of my head might kind of irritate me, but this morning it's reminding me that I’m loved regardless.
Many days I can easily come up with a few fistfuls of points to chip away at my perception of this truth. My performance as a mother, my messy house, my kids and their attitudes, my own attitude about my kids' attitudes, my split ends (I know…that one is sort of lame, but it’s been festering). These things don’t generally all weigh me down from the moment my head lifts off my pillow, but as the day carries on, they creep in one by one and pile up on each other. By the end of my day, as my house slowly grows quiet, I’m left with my untrimmed hair and self-doubt.
So truthfully, today started out as is one of those days; picking up right where the day before it left off. It all began with an innocent peek at an article about being a successful blogger. As it turns out I’m not following nearly any of the recommendations for success in blog world. I ended my educational read feeling deflated and overwhelmed. Everything inside me started screaming, “What am I doing?? This is crazy! This is sooo HUGE and I'm just me”. I suddenly felt paralyzed by fear and the paralysis hung around a bit. To be honest, I guess I kind of wallowed in it.
I’ve spent years working on embracing and then re-embracing this one enormous piece of information: I'm loved regardless. Some days it’s nearly impossible to digest. Other days it completely rips through me and my walls. It’s just a couple of words yet it carries such profound significance for me. The thought that I might be cherished and desired even when I’m not lovely (inwardly or outwardly), even when I'm gripped by fear and insecurity…it changes everything! Sitting in quiet, alone with this song, I feel my little grey cloud lifting.
For years this sort of love seemed like a thing of fairy-tales to me; devastatingly impossible. Imagining it as reality was terrifying. I would only sort of give it an aerial glance; a mere fly over. I couldn’t allow myself to land there. I was convinced that this supernatural love source offered only a distant sort of parental love; an obligatory, required but not desired love; a love that lacked freedom on either side.
And then it happened…the moment that changed everything. In the midst of my lowest low, I felt it! The love I was convinced couldn’t exist, reached out and touched me. I was unraveled and stitched up all in the same moment. Did all of my problems miraculously disappear?? No…I wish. But they didn’t look the same. Nothing looked the same.
Even though I've experienced it, I still don't understand. The song says it perfectly: "how can it be?", but I'm so thankful that it is!