"My Story"

I’ve had this song filling my mind all morning.  It’s been nearly bursting out of me; practically spilling from my lips.  It’s like one of those infectious, inspiring ballads that make me long for an empty car and an open road (so I can passionately belt out the words, loud and clear).  In my car, I normally have an entourage (my kids), and in those moments, just as my heart begins to burst with song and my words start to form, I hear, “mom, mom, mom!”, and the song takes off without me; my near mountaintop moment quickly leveled. 

This morning I was with some special lady friends, attending my weekly mamas group (which I love and rarely miss), and just behind all of my words, almost mixed in…this song accompanied me.  In the couple of hours that I was there, I considered that any one of those sweet ladies could have leaned in close enough to listen in on my internal soundtrack, and yet no one commented.  No one even noticed.  Though no one else heard the music, I did.  I felt it too!

As soon as those opening notes start playing, I see myself spinning wildly, uninhibited and free in a field, similar to that amazingly beautiful grassy expanse in the opening scene of “The Sound of Music” (just a little less hilly).  My arms are wide open, my face lifted.  I’m nearly shouting the words because I own each one of them.  They say EVERYTHING; exactly what I’d say…well actually, being me, I might add a little.   

“If I told you my story
You would hear Hope that wouldn't let go
And if I told you my story
You would hear Love that never gave up
And if I told you my story
You would hear Life, but it wasn't mine

If I should speak then let it be
Of the grace that is greater than all my sin
Of when justice was served and where mercy wins
Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in
Oh to tell you my story is to tell of Him
If I told you my story
You would hear victory over the enemy
And if I told you my story
You would hear freedom that was won for me
And if I told you my story
You would hear Life overcome the grave”

These words…they wash away all the discouragement, frustration, emptiness and purposelessness that I’ve been carrying for months.  I can see myself standing in the middle of that huge open field, arms lifted high, burdens outstretched and they’re rising right off of me. 

Sometimes it seems so easy for me to get dragged down by the day to day junk; the daily grind of my life.  Motherhood can leave me feeling isolated within the walls of my home, captive to my kids and my constant role as teacher.  There are so many amazing, beautiful moments that I’m able to experience as a stay at home mom, but they’re harder to see when my personal dreams begin to look more like impossibilities.  Since moving to the northwest last year, my life has lacked this one brilliant facet:  the ministry component.  For me that used to mean being part of a women’s Bible study leadership team.  

That piece of my life brought energy to rest of it.  It made me feel alive.  It was never just a job, an assignment or a break from my routine, but a spiritually creative outlet that constantly stretched me and left me in awe of God and his immense love for me and all of human kind.  That God would choose to partner with me…the reality was beyond amazing.  There were times when I could hear him whisper his unrelenting love for the person sitting next to me. I was pouring myself out but leaving more full than I’d come.  I REALLY miss that!  I guess I still do a bit of non-organized, unofficial ministry, but I feel like a community-less lone ranger.   

But when I hear this song, I feel alive again knowing that my God’s name is written on every part of my life.   Even the parts of my life that I don’t speak of often; the one’s I used to feel ashamed by, they’re clothed in mercy and grace.  They’re part of my story and each turn has led me right back to Him.  Lone ranger or not, that voice I used to hear so clearly is still speaking to me; I just having to lean in closer to hear it.